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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Midsummer Dream Fair Day 18: The Gnome Shack



(Today's post comes from horror writer and gnome observer Michael Crane.  For horror drabbles and, possibly, more gnomish insights, follow him on Twitter or Facebook.)


EFFIN’ GNOMES…

People think it was all fun and games when I wrote A Gnome Problem, a goofy little story about some maniac gnomes who go after a narrator’s buddy. But they don’t realize the serious problem that this great country is facing.

Effin’ gnomes.

You see them everywhere you go. Go to your nearest Target, and I’m sure you’ll find a few on their shelves. Menards? Yep. It’s been well documented that they hang out there as well (I’ve taken pictures!). They’re so deceiving, too. They have these cute little smiles on their oddly shaped faces, hoping to trick you into thinking they’re adorable and innocent.

They are far from innocent.

Don’t believe me? Go ahead and buy one. Put it in your yard. Hell, buy a few of them if you’re really doubting me or think I’m a crackpot. It won’t take long for you to notice. When you wake up in the morning, your garbage cans are tipped over with junk piling up on your driveway. You think it’s raccoons?

Hah! That’s what the little bastards want you to think!

Lightning during a really bad thunderstorm? Who the hell do you think is summoning the lightning, hmmm? We’d love to think that Mother Nature has a mind of her own, but she’s really doing the gnomes’ bidding because deep down, they even scare the living crap out of her.

They may not beat up your stoner buddy like they do in my novelette, but trust me, they don’t play around. It’s the little, subtle things they do that nobody notices. All of the sudden ants are in your house. Coincidence? Or maybe you get a flat tire one morning. Sure, the dealership told you that your tires were starting to overstay their welcome and you would most likely have to get new ones the next time you showed up for a checkup, but really, who the hell do you think made damn sure that it happened a lot quicker than you expected?

Your cat runs out of the house. Why? Because you left the door open?

You silly, silly naive fool.

Why do they do this? Maybe you left the sprinklers on. Gnomes don’t like to get wet. Like Gremlins. Wait, no… they wanted to get wet so they could multiply. Gizmo was the only one who didn’t want to get wet because he knew the trouble it would bring.

I apologize for the little movie detour I took just there. Maybe… the gnomes did it.

The real truth is the gnomes do what they do because they can. Because it’s fun for them.

Effin’ gnomes…

Giveaway!  Tell us what you find suspicious about gnomes! One comment on this blog will win a copy of Michael Crane's novelette A Gnome Problem as well as his new collection of horror drabbles, Lessons IV: The Dead Carnival and Other Morbid Drabbles. (I have two horror drabbles in there, too: "The Jungle Ride" and "The Bottle Game.") These will be gifted via Kindle, Nook, or Smashwords.





AND...









You've always been curious but never dared to try...it's GNOME SOAP!!  Yes, this moisturizing milk-and-honey fellow could be your new bathing companion!  Just say "gnome" to boring soap!

This international giveaway closes at 11:59 Eastern time this Saturday, with the winner announced on Sunday's "Prize Booth"!


The Midsummer Dream Fair was brought to you today by:

16 comments:

  1. I don't know anything about gnomes but I love Gizmo. He is just to cute.
    syndiasia at yahoo dot com

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  2. I'll tell you what is suspicious about gnomes. When I was a lass of 3 or 4 I used to watch a delightful television show that centered on the little buggers. David the Gnome seemed kind, just, and brave, but isn't that what they WANT us to believe?? Gnomes must have paid good money to get PR like that, so that we would trust them, think they were cute, and put them in our yards so that when we least expect it, they can wreak havoc! It's suspicious, and I would bet that this conspiracy is bigger than we all think...

    vshanno1(at)gmail(dot)com

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  3. I find it suspicious how close gnomes like to hang out to houses. It's like they're spies.
    GFC - rickimc
    rickimc[at]aol[dot]com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahaha! That's so funny. I don't like the way gnomes pose its like when ever I see one they freeze up in a weird position and look really stiff. It's not right?
    Sylvia722@bresnan.net

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  5. They are never were I leave them and I swear they are watching me!

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  6. I think its really strange how you buy one and then a few day later you pet goes missing. (Hmmm) what's that strange fer smear on the gnomes mouth :"(
    Oh no not fluffy!!!! I say death to gnomes!!:-I
    deborah.goff@ymail.com

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  7. I never really cared for Gnomes and I have never read a book about Gnomes. crystaley73 at yahoo dot com

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  8. I think it's very suspicious how gnomes seem to multiply overnight. I don't have any in my yard, I think they're creepy, but the other day we were mowing the pasture and found one in the pasture. They're invading rural Missouri now!!!

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  9. LOL This one was so cute... well, in a effin' gnome sort of way... ;)

    I was thinking about getting those zombie gnomes... perhaps I should ruminate on it a bit longer...

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  10. I think it's suspicious that they're always in a garden.

    bn100candg(at)hotmail(dot)com

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  11. I find the Travelocity gnome suspicious.

    frenchcanadienne(at)hotmail(dot)com

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  12. This was a great post. I have to say that the gnome soap is actually a bit disturbing. They look slightly creepy lol! I am happy to say that no one in my neighborhood has gnomes...that I have seen.

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  13. Oh! That soap is so cute. The only thing creepy about gnomes is that they live for hundreds of years and they always look 75.

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  14. Always something suspicious about things tat are too happy. Hiding something dark and sinister!

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  15. People here have boughten gnomes and put them in their yards just to have them disappear and show up in someone elses yard. The police are pulling in every young innocent person they can find to question them. But I know it's not the kids, the gnomes are moving around the neighborhood just to stir up trouble between the neighbors! And what a great way to keep those sticky fingerend kids from wanting to play with them, no why, no sir, not if all those kids are locked up!

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  16. Hi!

    I find gnomes suspicious, because they are so small and quick that you never will find out how they got into your garden or house and where all the small things started to disappear to! =)
    I would love to win the ebooks!
    Thank you =)

    Lilly

    lillysgarden88 (at) gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete